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My Testimony

My childhood was filled with contradictions - I knew my parents loved me, but ours was a very dysfunctional family - and life was erratic in many ways. I was loved and cared for, and yet I was emotionally and sexually abused - confusing stuff for a child - life felt very out-of-control.

As a child I was regularly taken to church. At the age of nine I felt convicted of sin and 'walked the aisle' and shortly thereafter was baptized in a Southern Baptist church.

Throughout high school I remember being very serious about my faith and (I thought) commited to Christ. I walked to school often praying the whole way there - but after an upsetting experience in which the elders of the church attacked and punished the Youth Group leader with what seemed to me to be great hypocrisy, I left the church. Being too immature spiritually to understand that organized religion doesn't represent God, I decided that if this was what Christianity was like, I didn't want it.

In response to my 'out of control' childhood, I grew up with a very strong desire to be in control of my life. I wanted a lifestyle very different from the one in which I grew up, and I worked hard determined to achieve the kind of life that I wanted. At eighteen I had a very brief marriage (an attempt to escape my unhappy family life), but I quickly realized that it was a mistake and ended it. It was a very painful experience for all concerned and one that would come back to haunt me decades later.

I had a clear vision of the life that I wanted, so I worked my way through college and got a good job after graduating. Success seemed to come in everything I attempted, but I never felt truly happy or content. I lived 'in the world', but in some strange way (even without God directing my life) I never felt 'of this world'.

After leaving the church, I struggled with having faith in God and tried for a few years to believe that there was no God. However, the mind-boggling intricacy and astounding order of the universe convinced me that it would take a great deal more faith to believe that the universe was created by random chance. Consider, for example, the statistical odds that the series of 30 cascading reactions required for blood to clot could have evolved at random. Nature's beauty and power attest to the presence and power and nature of God. "For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, so that they are without excuse." (Romans 1:21)

Then I spent quite a few years trying to believe in a universal consciousness kind of god. I spent hours meditating and trying to get in touch with the ‘god’ within me – but at the end of the day when I was alone with myself, life was pleasant enough, but it just seemed so pointless. The notion that a Being capable of creating a cosmos of such complexity and order would do this with no purpose or plan struck me as absurd. I spent years analyzing and intellectualizing God – but I could never escape the feeling that there has to be a reason for our existence.

Through years of wondering, searching and avoiding thinking about it - I always had the feeling that something was missing. Still, I was full of pride and had such an exalted opinion of myself - I was strong, smart, capable, successful and full of integrity (oh, the list goes on and on) -

I met and married a good man - He was a very good husband and friend, but a very very different person from me. As a result our marriage presented a great many challenges. After leaving a successful career in the oil business in Texas, we were living on the coast of Maine in a beautiful house, but I was continually struggling with unresolved issues from my past. I had given myself over to sin in several areas of my life, and as a result had sunk into depression and gained a considerable amount of weight. The whole situation was exacerbated by living surrounded by my husband's large, intrusive family. I felt like we were living in a fishbowl. I was desperately unhappy but had no idea what to do or how to resolve the situation. Into my dilemma came a man from my past (my first husband) - speaking sweet words and telling horrendous lies. Suddenly I had a direction that promised escape from my unhappiness. Impulsively and uncharacteristically, I left my husband of 24 years, ran off with this man and asked my husband to divorce me.

Almost immediately I realized that I had made a terrible mistake. However, I desperately needed this relationship to work in order to vindicate myself and eliminate the shame I felt for what I had done. After nearly two years of trying to make this new relationship work, I finally admitted to myself that it was impossible and faced the undeniable fact that I had to end it. I was broken, ashamed and humbled - appalled at the mess I had made - shocking and hurting so many people I cared about. I had tried everything that I knew to make my life work - I had come to the end of myself. In tears, I suddenly realized that I was reaping the consequences of living without God in my life. Weeping, I picked up a long unread Message Bible that my little sister had given me, and turned ‘at random’ to Romans 8. As I read that chapter, I was pierced to the heart. Sobbing, I repented and surrendered my life totally and completely to Jesus Christ. He gave me a new heart, and He changed my life. Life still has ups and downs, but the depth of peace and joy that He gives me is astounding.

Since that life-changing day nearly 6 years ago, He has taken me on an amazing journey. My Heavenly Father always knows just what I need and when I'm ready for something more. He has led me on a winding path - connecting me with just the right teacher or preacher, bringing people into my life to mentor or guide me, arranging for books or information to be placed into my hands that provide the teaching that I'm ready for - and it's all knit together into this amazing tapestry that is my spiritual growth. Often, as I'm pondering or mentally connecting the dots between the teachings I've absorbed, I hear Him say 'Write'. So I've written little pieces that He told me are 'Nuggets', and some of them are offered on this webpage for your consideration.

His work in me is far from finished. I remind myself often that "it is God who works in (me) both to will and to do His good pleasure" (Phil 2:13). It is such a comfort to know that He will not give up on me when I stumble time and again - "being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in (me) will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ" (Phil 1:6). Each time I surrender my life a little more to Him and yield my will more fully to His Will He moves me a little further down the path toward my destiny - the part that I am blessed to play in His Purpose and Plan.

Abba has used many of His precious saints to teach me and help me grow. Those who have most radically impacted my life have been: Andrew Wommack (www.awmi.net), DeVern Fromke, John Eldridge (www.RansomedHeart.com), Brennan Manning, Vaughn Clark (www.gloriouslightministries.com) and Vinnie Grace Holman (www.VineArts.org). There are many more who have counselled me, taught me, encouraged me, prayed me through things and guided me into major break-throughs. It is my hope that they will forgive me for not mentioning all of their names here. All of these names are written where it really counts - in the Lamb's Book of Life.